Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
