tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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