Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Come share oat with me in your robe
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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