im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
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He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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