I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon