the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?