I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
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we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding