I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
