I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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