They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
