And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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