She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
