why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
