you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
God, I missed his penis.
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