I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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