My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize