Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
