Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
