mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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