Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
