Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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