OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
