Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....