You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
