I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
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There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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