Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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