Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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