Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
This house was built for laser tag.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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