buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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