I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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