My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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