why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
