mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize