I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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