Where did you get a picture of my penis
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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