Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room