She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
