was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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