the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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