I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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