They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
