You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
