I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
