a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
