its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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