I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
