I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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