just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
