Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
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I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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