Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
time to smoke my breakfast
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
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She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
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I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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