I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
