When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
