Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
